Resilience – Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC

Can’t Figure Out Your Child’s Anxiety? 12 Ideas That Can Help Today.

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD — Wed, 18 Mar 2026 02:39:39 +0000

Some days, parenting an anxious kid can feel like playing a game of Clue, Guess Who and Operation all rolled into one. You’re using your best detective clue gathering skills to figure out your child’s anxiety, but it leaves you guessing who and what and definitely whhhhyyy is this happening??? If only there was something for child anxiety like that childhood operation game where you could remove the anxiety trigger pieces slowly and carefully without the buzzer going off and then…you win!! But instead, you’re throwing your hands up in desperation trying to figure out what actually caused your daughter to melt down because her pony tail was still “too bumpy Mom!” and why it seems like for the 8th time this week your 5th grader’s friend group drama has led to slammed doors and emphatic “you guys just don’t get it” being yelled through tears during what started off as a pretty regular family dinner.

Here’s the thing, child anxiety can show up in unexpected ways. The “why” isn’t always obvious, even when you’re paying close attention. Read on to learn more about how to spot child anxiety patterns and to respond in the moment without feeding the worry spiral.

Why child anxiety can look “random” at home

One of the more confusing parts of child anxiety is that it may not look like anxiety at all—especially at home. Many parents expect anxiety to show up as obvious worry, nervousness, or fear. But in reality, anxiety also appears as irritability, anger, shutdowns, or reactions that seem random. There are a few reasons for this.

IDEA #1 – First, home is often the safest place for emotional release. Children and teens often hold themselves together all day at school, sports, or social settings. They work hard to manage pressure, expectations, and social demands. When they finally get home, the nervous system relaxes—and the feelings that were held in all day spill out. What looks like sudden anger may actually be pent-up anxiety releasing once the pressure drops.

IDEA #2 – Second, child anxiety can live in the body before it shows up in thoughts. A racing heart, tight chest, stomach pain, or restlessness can build without a clear explanation. When the brain senses that internal alarm, it tries to make sense of it. Sometimes the result is frustration, irritability, or snapping at small things.

IDEA #3 – Third, children may not have the insight or language yet to identify anxiety. Instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” a child may slam a door, argue about homework, or react strongly to something minor. To a parent, it can feel like the reaction came out of nowhere.

So when child anxiety is underneath the behavior, what looks like anger, defiance, or randomness may actually be a nervous system that feels overloaded.

Gathering Helpful Child Anxiety ‘Data‘

When you can’t figure out what your child’s anxiety is about, it’s tempting to ask a lot of questions. “What happened?” “What are you thinking?” “Why are you doing this?” For many anxious kids, that spotlight can raise pressure fast. Then you end up with “I don’t know” or a bigger meltdown.

Here’s an approach to try instead that involves making and organizing observations and then using that information to ask well-crafted questions.

IDEA #4 – Start by troubleshooting your child’s behavior system. Track three simple behaviors for a week noting, 1) when it happens, 2) what was happening right before, and 3) what changed after. You’re looking for patterns.

It can help to get curious, get specifics, and then try to separate the trigger from the threat. The trigger is what happened (a math worksheet). The threat is what the brain predicts (“I’ll fail, everyone will know, I won’t be able to handle it”). Your child may only talk about the trigger and the threat can be more difficult to identify. Here are some ideas for ways to translate what you see into helpful guesses.

What you see	What it might be protecting against	What helps in the moment
Repeated “Are you sure?” questions	Fear of uncertainty, fear of making a mistake	Calm, brief answer, then a coping step
Sudden anger or arguing	Loss of control, shame, overwhelm	Name the feeling, slow things down
Avoiding school, sports, or parties	Fear of failure, judgment, separation	Gentle plan, small exposure, steady limit
Lots of body complaints	Fear of sensations, fear of being “not okay”	Normalize sensations, grounding, check basics
Perfectionism, tears over small errors	Fear of not being good enough	Praise effort, allow “good enough,” repair

Anxiety doesn’t have to shape your child’s future. If you’re raising a child, teen, or young adult who thinks deeply, feels intensely, or spirals quickly, you’ve likely felt that quiet pull between wanting to comfort them and wanting to truly help. Join 1,000+ parents receiving practical, psychology-backed strategies they can use in the moments that matter most. (Educational content only; not a substitute for professional advice.)

Searching for Patterns in Your Child’s Anxiety

Sometimes the hardest part of supporting an anxious child is figuring out what is actually driving the anxiety. Children and teens may struggle to explain it directly, and the trigger may not always be obvious in the moment. When reactions seem sudden, emotional, or out of proportion, it can help to slow down and look for patterns underneath the behavior. These strategies can help you start connecting the dots.

IDEA #5 – Look for timing patterns. Notice when the behavior tends to show up—before school, Sunday evenings, before sports, or during transitions. Anxiety is often anticipatory and linked to what’s coming next.
IDEA #6 – Watch for body clues. Stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, restlessness, panic, or trouble sleeping can all signal anxiety, even when a child doesn’t say they feel worried.
IDEA #7 – Notice avoidance patterns. Repeatedly wanting to skip activities, delay tasks, or withdraw from situations can be a sign that something feels overwhelming or uncertain.
IDEA #8 – Listen for small comments. Children often reveal anxiety indirectly through passing remarks like “Everyone is better than me,” “I’m going to mess it up,” or “What if something goes wrong?”
IDEA #9 – Pay attention to what happens right before the reaction. A meltdown that seems random may actually follow a moment of pressure, embarrassment, or uncertainty.
IDEA #10 – Compare settings. Notice whether your child seems calmer in some environments but struggles in others. Differences between school, activities, and home can reveal where the pressure may be highest. School expectations, social dynamics, academic pressure, and extracurricular demands can all contribute to anxiety that only becomes visible at home.
IDEA #11 – Notice reassurance-seeking. Repeated questions like “Are you sure it will be okay?” or “What if something goes wrong?” can signal that your child is trying to reduce internal worry.
IDEA #12 – Track energy and overload. Anxiety reactions often appear when a child is mentally or emotionally depleted. Busy schedules, social demands, and long school days can lower their capacity to cope.

While these observations won’t provide every answer, they can help you see patterns that make your child’s reactions easier to understand—and that understanding often makes it easier to respond in ways that calm the nervous system rather than escalate the stress.

One Step At a Time

Pick one small aspect of your child’s anxiety to focus on this week and stick with it long enough to notice patterns. Often, a first step to creating lasting change is to gather good data about what’s happening. If you want ongoing, practical, evidence-based support, sign up for our newsletter, Anxiety Doesn’t Call the Shots. If you feel that you are ready to help your child take small steps toward facing their fears, read our post on how to build exposure ladders for helpful tools. Remember, this information is valuable but cannot replace, personalized care from a licensed professional.

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD, is a clinical and pediatric psychologist who loves languages, is an avid traveler, and finds boundless excitement in the pursuit of knowledge and helping others.

Health Information Disclaimer: Attention Required

The blog author and associated professionals cannot be liable for any of the consequence of such action or inaction. Accessing or using any of the content of the blog, including any references, resources, links, or other shared knowledge does not create a doctor-patient relationship between the author or associated professionals and you. If you choose to contact the blog author or any associated professionals of Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC to provide personal, medical, or clinical information, this does not create a doctor-patient relationship. It’s crucial to consult with a qualified h ealthcare provider for individualized advice regarding your health concerns.

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Please note this post may contain affiliate links. This means I may receive a commission if clicked at no extra cost to you.

Youth Sports Anxiety in Kids: Coach and Parent Scripts That Actually Help

J. Oni Dakhari — Mon, 09 Mar 2026 22:18:16 +0000

Your kid loves the sport, yet games can turn them into a different person. Maybe they get quiet, clingy, snappy, or suddenly “forget” how to do things they do every day in practice. If you’ve seen that switch flip, you’re not alone. Youth sports anxiety is common, and it can show up even in confident, hard-working youth athletes.

The good news is you don’t need a perfect speech, more drills or hours more practice. That switch often stems from fear of failure, overly harsh self-criticism, or perfectionism. A few go-to phrases plus a plan for what to do before, during, and after competition can be a game changer. Literally! The scripts below help your child calm their body’s response, protect confidence, and still keep expectations clear.

What performance anxiety in youth sports looks like (and why it’s not “bad attitude”)

Sports performance anxiety in kids often looks like avoidance, anger, tears, or even “I don’t care.” Under the surface, it’s usually based in fear. Fear of messing up, being judged, letting others down, or losing their spot. Their brain treats the game like a threat, so their body reacts as if it needs to fight, flee, or freeze.

You’ll often see a mix of mind and body signs:

Body clues: stomachaches from gastrointestinal distress triggered by stress hormones, tension headaches, shaky hands due to adrenaline surges, tight chest from rapid shallow breathing, nausea, and trouble sleeping the night before caused by a hyperactive mind.
Behavior clues: extra bathroom trips, asking the same questions repeatedly, sudden “injuries,” perfectionism or social anxiety as an underlying factor, melting down over small mistakes.
Game-time clues: playing too safe to minimize injury risk, rushing shots or passes, freezing up entirely, avoiding the ball, apologizing constantly, or snapping at teammates.

A key detail helps you respond better: anxiety is trying to protect your child, even when it’s clumsy. So if you treat it like defiance, you usually get more of it. If you treat it like a stress response, you can guide them back to coping skills or use this as an opportunity to teach new ones.

It also helps to separate normal nerves from problematic anxiety that needs extra support, such as intense fear of failure. Normal nerves rise and fall, and your child can still play. Problematic anxiety tends to stick, spread (practice, school, sleep), or cause repeated shutdowns.

For more context on competitive anxiety and how it affects young athletes, you can skim Managing competitive anxiety in young athletes.

Coach and parent scripts before and during competition

When you’re in the stands or on the sideline, your job isn’t to erase nerves. It’s to lower the alarm so your child can access the coping skills they already know. If your child looks panicked, aim for regulation first, then coaching. A calm body can hear instruction. A stressed brain can’t.

Pre-game scripts (20 to 60 seconds)

Start by naming what’s happening without making it dramatic. Then point them toward a simple ‘next step’ goal.

Parent script, before warm-ups
“I can see your nerves. That’s your body getting ready. Let’s help it settle.”
“Two deep breathing exercises with me. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
“Today, your job is effort, focus, and being a good teammate. I love watching you play.”

Coach script, in a huddle
“Some nerves are normal. You don’t have to feel fearless to play well.”
“Pick one focus: strong first touch, talk on defense, or hustle back.”
“Make the next play. That’s it.”

One quick tool that works well is a “two-lane” choice. You offer structure, and they choose the lane.

Two-lane choice script (parent or coach)
“Do you want a quiet minute, or do you want to move your body and stay busy?”
“Do you want one reminder, or none until after the first swing?”

During the game scripts (when you want to yell advice AND stay helpful)

Most kids with youth sports anxiety scan for danger. Your tone becomes “the weather.” So your words should be short, neutral, and action-based to safeguard athletic performance and build mental toughness.

Here’s a simple guide you can keep in your head:

Moment	Parent script	Coach script
Mistake happens	“Next play.”	“Reset. Find your job.”
They look scared	“Breathe, then move.” “Trust your game.”	“You’re good. Keep your eyes on his left hand during the next play.”
They’re stuck on outcomes	“One play at a time.”	“Let’s win the next 10 seconds. Keep your knees flexed and hands ready.”
They’re angry	“Play the moment!.” “Reset and go!”	“Hands down, eyes up, blow it out, next play.”

Notice what’s missing: detailed mechanics, sarcasm, or comparisons. You can focus on skill development in practice. In games, you mostly protect their ability to try again.

If your athlete spirals into “I can’t,” which often signals choking under pressure, keep your response neutral and steady: “You can do hard things while you feel nervous.”

After the game scripts that build confidence (without ignoring hard moments)

Post-game is where anxiety often grows under pressure. Your kid replays mistakes like a highlight reel. Or they chase reassurance: “Was I bad?” “Are you mad?” If you find yourself answering those questions 20 times, you accidentally train their brain to keep asking. To help minimize this post game anxiety think: step 1 – connection, step 2 – review with limits.

Right after the whistle: connect and de-pressure

Parent script, 10 seconds
“I’m glad to see you.”
“I love you, win or lose.”
“You don’t have to talk yet.”

Coach script, 10 seconds
“Good effort staying with it.”
“We’ll learn from this in practice.”
“Grab water, then we’ll reset.”

That small pause matters because kids can’t process feedback while flooded.

Your first job after a tough game is to show your athlete that they still belong, they’re still accepted, and mistakes don’t equal punishment or fear. Feeling connected lowers anxiety.

Later that day: post-game analysis in a way that doesn’t feed rumination

When you do talk, keep it structured. Try a two-part reflection.

Two-part reflection script (parent or coach)
“Name one thing you did that helped the team.”
“Name one thing you’ll practice, and we’re done.”

If your child can’t find a positive, you can lend them one that’s real: “You kept going after that mistake. That’s a skill.”

If your child keeps circling back to the same fear or mistake, set a kind boundary:
“I’ve answered that. Your brain is stuck on the worry loop. Let’s do something that helps your body and brain settle.”

Some families also like to add a short, values-based message that puts performance in its place and reinforces identity beyond sport.

Seeking Additional Support

When performance anxiety causes overly harsh self-criticism, panic, frequent upset stomach or vomiting, ongoing sleep loss, or a big change or drop in mood, it’s also reasonable to talk with a licensed mental health professional for extra support to protect long-term mental health.

You can’t force anxiety out of an athlete by demanding confidence, because anxiety doesn’t respond to pressure in that way. It responds to safety, structure, and repetition that builds muscle memory for coping strategies and helpful self-talk. Short scripts before, during, and after games, rooted in sport psychology, mirror techniques elite athletes use to stay composed. Looking for ways to coach facing fears one step at a time? Read our post on exposure ladders: Exposure Ladder Examples for Kids: A Parent-Friendly Guide to Facing Fears Gradually. Remember, you can teach your child a bigger lesson than any scoreboard, one that builds self-esteem and lasting coping mechanisms.

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD

Health Information Disclaimer: Attention Required

The blog author and associated professionals cannot be liable for any of the consequence of such action or inaction. Accessing or using any of the content of the blog, including any references, resources, links, or other shared knowledge does not create a doctor-patient relationship between the author or associated professionals and you. If you choose to contact the blog author or any associated professionals of Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC to provide personal, medical, or clinical information, this does not create a doctor-patient relationship. It’s crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare provider for individualized advice regarding your health concerns.

Affiliate Disclosure Disclaimer:

Please note this post may contain affiliate links. This means I may receive a commission if clicked at no extra cost to you.

What Is Both/And Thinking: A DBT-Inspired Guide to Embracing Life’s Messy Middle

J. Oni Dakhari — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 11:30:00 +0000

You don’t always have to pick one side or the other. Both/and thinking is about holding space for two truths at the same time. It moves beyond the strict limits of either/or thinking, where you feel pulled to make choices between all-or-nothing options.

Instead of feeling stuck in black-and-white thinking, you can recognize that life can be complex and messy—and that’s okay. Inspired by Dialectical Behavior Therapy, this approach invites you to grow by seeing more parts of your experience, not less.

Read on to gain insight into how both/and thinking can help you respond to challenges with more flexibility and confidence. This is meant to spark curiosity and increase perspectives, not to replace therapy. If anything, here feels overwhelming or brings up tough emotions, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support. Let’s see what happens when curiosity wins over judgment, and you give yourself permission to hold more than one truth at a time.

Understanding ‘Both/And’ Thinking: A DBT Perspective

Life rarely fits into neat little boxes. When you try to force emotion or choice into “good” or “bad,” it can leave you feeling stuck or frustrated. Both/and thinking opens the door to another way. It gives you room to see different sides without needing to pick just one. This approach, inspired by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can help you work with the full picture—even when that picture feels messy.

What Is ‘Both/And’ Thinking?

Both/and thinking is the practice of holding more than one truth at the same time. Imagine you’re looking at the sky during a storm. You might notice dark clouds and feel nervous, but you also see a patch of blue sky and feel hopeful. Both feelings are real, and both matter.

Here’s a real-world comparison:
Think about a relationship with a friend or partner. There might be moments when you feel grateful for their support, and in the same moment, you’re annoyed by something they did. You don’t have to pick one feeling over the other; it’s possible— and healthy— to experience both.

You can be sad and hopeful.
You can want change and accept the present.
You can be angry and still care about someone.

This mindset challenges the habit of snapping to one extreme or the other. It gives you space to be honest with yourself.

Why ‘Either/Or’ Limits Us

Either/or thinking, or “black-and-white” thinking, pushes you to see things in extremes. While it can feel simpler, this habit tends to cause more pain.

Here’s how either/or thinking shows up in daily life:

Work: Feeling like you’re doing great when you meet every deadline—but the moment you make a mistake, you convince yourself you’re terrible at your job and everyone’s noticing.
Relationships: Believing your partner is amazing when things are going well, but thinking they’re completely selfish or uncaring after a disagreement.
Self-image: Telling yourself you’re strong when you’re holding it all together—but the moment you feel overwhelmed or emotional, assuming you’re weak and incapable.

The downsides of black-and-white thinking include:

Ignoring all the shades of gray
Feeling pressured to make the “right” choice, fast
Judging yourself harshly for mistakes
Missing out on the good in tough times

When you see things in all-or-nothing terms, you’re more likely to feel anxious, guilty, or ashamed. These feelings can pile up and make everyday life harder than it needs to be.

How DBT Encourages Embracing Complexity

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy built on the idea that two things can be true at once. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT, saw value in blending acceptance and change.

DBT teaches you to:

See your struggles and your strengths together
Notice different perspectives without judging them
Find middle ground between “all or nothing” thinking

DBT’s focus on dialectics—holding two truths at once—can help you become more flexible in how you respond to challenges. Instead of getting stuck in old patterns, you learn new ways to handle tough moments.

If some of these ideas feel new or challenging, that’s okay. It’s important to know that learning both/and thinking takes practice, and sometimes it helps to have support from a mental health professional if things get overwhelming.

Real-Life Applications: How ‘Both/And’ Thinking Can Transform Your Daily Experience

The idea of holding two truths at once isn’t a mental trick—it can change the way you move through daily life. Both/and thinking takes what you already feel and makes room for the whole story. When you start looking for more than one answer or emotion, things get easier to handle. Here are some ideas of what it looks like to put this skill into action, whether you’re dealing with people you care about, decisions or changes to be made, or even your view of yourself.

Navigating Personal Relationships: Holding Conflicting Feelings Without Self-Invalidation

Relationships often stir up mixed feelings. You might care deeply about someone but feel disappointed by something they did. Both/and thinking lets you keep both sides without feeling guilty or dishonest.

Picture sitting with a friend who forgets your birthday. You feel grateful for all the times they’ve had your back, and you’re hurt by their oversight. Instead of choosing one feeling, you accept both:

“I care about my friend, and I wish they had remembered.”
“I’m annoyed, and I still value this relationship.”

This approach lets you:

Stop second-guessing your emotions. You’re not too sensitive or too cold for feeling both.
Talk more honestly about your needs, leading to fewer bottled-up frustrations.
Give space for repair, since holding two truths helps you work through misunderstandings.

Relationships are messy. When you let in all your feelings, you give yourself (and others) permission to be human.

Handling Change and Uncertainty: Managing Stress by Acknowledging Multiple Truths

Change rarely feels tidy. Big transitions—new jobs, moving, losing a friend—often leave you pulled between excitement and fear. Both/and thinking helps you see the full picture so you can act with confidence.

Let’s say you’re starting a new job. You might feel nervous about what’s next while also feeling proud of getting hired. If you try to push away your nerves, they’ll only get louder. Instead, name both:

“I’m scared and I’m ready.”
“It feels awkward and it might get better with time.”

By doing this, you allow yourself to:

Reduce stress by naming what’s real. Hiding from uncomfortable truths doesn’t make them go away.
Make decisions with more information. Seeing several sides helps you choose with your whole self, not just fear or hope alone.
Stay flexible when things change again, because you’re already used to juggling more than one feeling.

Strong emotions are normal during big life events. If things get tough, reach out for support—you don’t have to handle it all yourself.

Boosting Self-Compassion and Growth: Letting Mixed Feelings About Yourself Foster Change

Self-growth isn’t about rejecting where you are or overlooking your strengths. It’s about holding space for both pride and the desire to grow. Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean something’s wrong—it means you care. And that’s a powerful place to start.

For example, you may think, “I try hard and make mistakes sometimes.” Or, “I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I know I have more to learn.” These statements might feel odd at first, but they open up space for:

Gentle self-reflection: Not everything needs to be fixed right away, and that’s okay.
Healthy motivation: Growth comes from wanting to improve, not from punishing yourself for missteps.
More kindness to yourself: You can own your strengths and your areas for growth at the same time.

If being honest with yourself feels hard or brings up big emotions, consider checking in with someone you trust or a mental health professional. Sometimes, opening up to more parts of yourself is easier with an extra hand.

Practicing both/and thinking gives you permission to live your whole life, not just the parts that feel easy or certain. It may take time, but welcoming your range of feelings can be quite valuable in moving forward.

Practical Tips to Start Embracing ‘Both/And’ in Your Life

Ready to try both/and thinking in the real world? It isn’t about flipping a mental switch. It’s about spotting old patterns and trying simple tools when things get tough. These practical tips can help you notice when you slip into either/or thinking and give you small steps to get back to a more balanced place. It’s normal to need reminders and to reach out for extra support along the way.

Noticing Either/Or Patterns

The first step is catching yourself when your mind goes to all-or-nothing. Our brains like clear answers, but life is rarely that tidy. If you notice you feel stuck, irritated, or helpless, you might be thinking in absolutes.

To bring more awareness, try asking yourself:

Am I seeing this as all good or all bad?
Is there another side I’m missing?
When have I felt two things at once before?
What would I say to a friend in this spot?

Journaling can help slow things down. Write out what’s going through your mind. Use these prompts:

“Right now, I’m thinking ____. Is there more to the story?”
“Can I find an example from my past when both things were true?”
“What’s one small way I can hold more than one feeling here?”

Reflecting like this can highlight old habits and invite new choices. Sometimes, just noticing the pattern is a win.

Reframing: Turning ‘But’ Into ‘And’

Language shapes your thoughts, often more than you realize. A simple shift from “but” to “and” can open up space for more than one truth.

Instead of telling yourself, “I’m doing my best, but I still feel anxious,” try, “I’m doing my best, and I still feel anxious.” That tiny change stops you from canceling out part of your experience.

A few examples for your self-talk or conversations:

“I love my job, and I get worn out by it.”
“I had fun today, and I’m nervous about tomorrow.”
“I care about them, and I’m upset.”

Practicing this out loud or on paper can make it feel more natural. The word “and” doesn’t erase your feelings; it lets them all belong. It’s a tool you can use at home, at work, or with friends to show that real life is messy but manageable.

You’re already navigating a lot—give yourself permission to hold both strength and struggle without sidelining your wellness. Drop your email below to subscribe and get new blog posts with practical, evidence-backed wellness tips delivered straight to your inbox. No inbox overload, unsubscribe anytime. (For info only; not a substitute for professional advice.)

Mindfulness as Support

Sometimes holding two truths feels like juggling eggs—one wrong move and it all comes crashing down. When emotions are big, grounding yourself can help. Mindfulness gives you a way to notice what you feel without getting swept away.

Here are some quick practices to try:

5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
Box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and pause for 4.
Check in with your body: Notice where you feel tension or comfort. Name the feeling, then let it be there for a moment.

These small moments help you get out of your head and back into the present. You may find it easier to hold complex feelings when you feel steady.

If you ever notice that practicing both/and thinking leads to emotions that feel too big to handle, reaching out to a mental health professional is a sign of strength. You don’t have to manage everything by yourself—extra support is always an option.

Doing Your Best AND You Can Do Better

Both/and thinking gives you a way to be honest with yourself and gentle at the same time. It helps you hold more than one feeling, see different points of view, and find steadiness when life gets tricky. By allowing space for all parts of your experience, you make room for growth without forcing yourself into impossible choices.

Change in how you see things starts with small steps. You’ve already started by being open to something new. If any of this feels heavy, it’s okay to ask for support. This guide supports your journey, but it’s not a substitute for professional help.

Every moment you hold both/and is a win.

Ready to transform your life and boost your well-being? Therapy isn’t just for major issues; it’s a powerful tool for personal growth and everyday happiness. Check out our blog post on Therapy Myths to uncover the truths behind common misconceptions. Discover how talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate life’s challenges, improve your mental health, and enhance your overall quality of life. Why wait? Don’t wait for a major challenge – start your journey to a better you today!

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD

Health Information Disclaimer: Attention Required

The blog author and associated professionals cannot be liable for any of the consequence of such action or inaction. Accessing or using any of the content of the blog, including any references, resources, links, or other shared knowledge does not create a doctor-patient relationship between the author or associated professionals and you. If you choose to contact the blog author or any associated professionals of Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC to provide personal, medical, or clinical information, this does not create a doctor-patient relationship. It’s crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare provider for individualized advice regarding your health concerns.

Affiliate Disclosure Disclaimer:

Please note this post may contain affiliate links. This means I may receive a commission if clicked at no extra cost to you.

Discovering Your Ikigai and Living with Purpose

J. Oni Dakhari — Mon, 20 Jan 2025 15:59:30 +0000

Our Success Under Pressure blog series is designed to support driven individuals in balancing their professional aspirations with personal fulfillment and well-being. If you’re striving to excel in your career or academics while maintaining a sense of purpose and emotional resilience, this series offers practical, actionable, and evidence-based strategies to help you thrive under pressure.

In today’s fast-paced world, balancing professional or academic success with personal fulfillment can feel overwhelming. For those striving under pressure, the challenge lies not only in achieving goals but in uncovering deeper meaning and alignment in their pursuits.

It’s important to shift the focus from merely attaining goals to embracing the journey toward them. Why? Because what often happens is that the emotional high of achieving a goal quickly subsides, leaving the mind racing toward the next target and the next. This cycle can lead to burnout or a sense of emptiness, no matter how much success you achieve.

This is where the concept of ikigai—a Japanese term often translated as “reason for being”—offers a powerful framework for creating a purposeful, resilient life. Additionally, the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for values-oriented, committed living complement the ikigai philosophy, helping you align your life with what truly matters.

Shifting the Conversation About Purpose

Remember as a child being asked the age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” For many of us, this was one of the first introductions to thinking about life in terms of distant goals and external achievements. While the question often came from a place of curiosity or encouragement, it trained our minds to focus on the future and tie our sense of purpose to a specific title or role.

But what if, instead, we had been asked, “What excites you most right now?” or “What do you enjoy doing that makes you feel alive?” Questions like these shift the focus from future-oriented accomplishments to the present moment—helping us discover what truly lights us up and aligns with our values.

This change in focus doesn’t just benefit children; it’s a mindset that adults can adopt as well. Imagine being at a social gathering and, instead of hearing, “What do you do?” or “What’s your next big goal?” someone asked, “What’s been bringing you joy lately?” or “What have you been doing that feels meaningful to you?”

When we focus solely on achievements or future plans, we reinforce the idea that fulfillment is always just out of reach—waiting at the end of the next big milestone. This kind of thinking can create unnecessary pressure, leaving little room to appreciate the present or align with deeper values.

Shifting the conversation to what brings excitement and purpose in the now encourages curiosity, self-discovery, and intrinsic motivation. For example, someone who loves mentoring might say, “I’ve been really enjoying guiding a colleague through a tough project.” Or someone passionate about creativity might share, “I’ve started painting again in the evenings, and it’s so refreshing.”

This approach mirrors the philosophy of ikigai—the Japanese concept of finding purpose in the balance of what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs, and what sustains you. It reminds us that fulfillment isn’t found only in the future but in the intentional actions and joys we embrace today.

What is Ikigai?

At its core, ikigai represents the intersection of four key elements:

What you love (your passion)

What you are good at (your profession)

What the world needs (your mission)

What you can be paid for (your vocation)

When these elements align, you find a sense of purpose that energizes and sustains you, even in the face of stress and challenges. For parents, ikigai might mean balancing career aspirations with the joy of raising resilient, emotionally strong children. For professionals, it could mean aligning daily work with a greater impact on the community or the world.

Living with Purpose: Building Resilience Under Pressure

Understanding and pursuing your ikigai doesn’t just help you feel more fulfilled—it also fortifies you against life’s pressures. Here’s how ikigai and related concepts can deepen your sense of purpose and resilience:

1. Values-Driven Living

Incorporating principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), values-driven living emphasizes identifying what truly matters to you and using those values as a compass for decision-making. Living a values-aligned life helps reduce the sense of being overwhelmed by external demands, as your actions feel more meaningful and purposeful.

Practical Tip: Spend 10 minutes listing your top five values. These could include family, creativity, health, achievement, or service. Then, evaluate how your current life aligns with them. Are you dedicating time to what truly matters? If not, consider small changes to bring your actions in line with your values.

2. Growth Mindset

Success is not about perfection but progress. A growth mindset emphasizes the belief that abilities and talents can be developed through dedication and effort. This mindset helps you transform challenges into opportunities for learning and growth, which is critical for thriving under pressure.

Practical Tip: Reflect on a recent setback and identify one lesson it taught you. For example, did it highlight a skill you need to develop or help you see the importance of asking for support? Use this insight to guide your next steps.

3. Behavioral Activation

A key concept from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), behavioral activation encourages taking action even when motivation is low. Often, the act of doing something meaningful—especially when aligned with your ikigai—can reignite your sense of purpose and combat stress or anxiety.

Practical Tip: Choose one small activity this week that aligns with your ikigai. For example, if your passion is mentoring others, offer guidance to a colleague or family member. Even a small step can remind you of the bigger picture.

4. The Role of Acceptance

Another principle from ACT, acceptance involves embracing life’s inevitable challenges without unnecessary resistance. This doesn’t mean giving up; it means recognizing and making space for difficult emotions so you can focus on actions that align with your ikigai and values.

Practical Tip: When facing stress or disappointment, pause and name the emotion you’re feeling. For example, “I’m feeling anxious about this deadline.” Then, ask yourself: “What’s one small step I can take that aligns with my values in this moment?”

Integrating Ikigai into Family and Community Life

For parents navigating “success under pressure,” modeling ikigai for your children can be transformative. Teaching them to explore their passions, talents, and values not only helps them develop resilience but also instills a lifelong habit of intentional living.

Family Exercise: Gather as a family and create a shared ikigai chart. Discuss how each member’s interests and strengths contribute to a collective sense of purpose. For instance, one child might bring humor and positivity, while another might contribute a love for organization. This activity fosters connection and collaboration while emphasizing the importance of shared and individual purpose.

Thriving Under Pressure with Ikigai

Embracing ikigai is not about eliminating pressure but about channeling it into meaningful pursuits. When you align your actions with your purpose, you cultivate resilience, improve well-being, and create a life that feels both successful and fulfilling.

By integrating ikigai into your daily life and complementing it with values-driven living, a growth mindset, behavioral activation, and acceptance, you can navigate the demands of a high-pressure world while maintaining balance, clarity, and joy.

Remember, prioritizing your well-being isn’t selfish—it’s essential for showing up fully in all areas of your life. Taking time to explore your purpose, align with your values, and build resilience under pressure empowers you to navigate challenges with clarity and strength. And seeking support when needed isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a testament to your commitment to growth and balance.

While these strategies can be incredibly helpful, they are not a substitute for therapy. If you feel you need additional support to manage stress, anxiety, or other challenges, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. Investing in your mental health is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward a life that feels both successful and deeply fulfilling.

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD

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The information provided within this post and throughout this site, as well as any references or links, should never be regarded as a substitute for personalized medical advice from your doctor or another qualified clinician. The content of this blog, including any references, resources, links, or shared knowledge, is intended for informational purposes only. None of the content should be considered a replacement for professional medical advice, diagnosis, intervention, or treatment. Any actions or decisions resulting from consuming this content, including within the blog or associated resources, are entirely at your discretion.

Neither the blog author nor any associated professionals can be held liable for the consequences of such actions or decisions. Accessing or using any content on this blog, including references, resources, links, or shared knowledge, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship between the author or associated professionals and you.

Furthermore, contacting the blog author or any associated professionals of Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC, to provide personal, medical, or clinical information does not create a doctor-patient relationship. It’s crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare provider for individualized advice regarding your health concerns.

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Please note this post may contain affiliate links. This means I may receive a commission if clicked at no extra cost to you. Though the opinions remain my own.

No content on this site, or any of the references or links, should ever be used as a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician. The content of the blog, including any references, resources, links, or other shared knowledge, is for informational purposes only. No content whatsoever should be taken as a replacement for medical, clinical, professional advice, diagnosis, intervention, or treatment. Any action or inaction as a result of any content you consume, including within the blog, references, resources, links or other associated knowledge, is done solely at your discretion. The blog author and associated professionals cannot be liable for any of the consequence of such action or inaction. Accessing or using any of the content of the blog, including any references, resources, links, or other shared knowledge does not create a doctor-patient relationship between the author or associated professionals and you. If you choose to contact the blog author or any associated professionals of Dakhari Psychological Services, LLC to provide personal, medical, or clinical information, this does not create a doctor-patient relationship.

Routines as a Powerful Tool for Raising Resilient Kids: Building a Strong Foundation for Emotional Well-Being

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD — Tue, 29 Oct 2024 05:43:45 +0000

You understand what it’s like to thrive under pressure. Success in your career, academics, personal growth, or creative pursuits often comes with a perfectionist mindset—a drive that propels you to keep pushing at full speed and sometimes at great cost. But as a parent, you don’t want this pressure to compromise your or your children’s mental well-being. You’re seeking that delicate balance: the outcome of achievement without the cost of burnout. You want your children to be resilient and you know that you can be a strong instrument in them learning this valuable approach to life.

You can raise resilient kids who not only understand the value of hard work, dedication, and achievement but also know how to prioritize their mental health and avoid burnout. It’s about teaching them to succeed while staying balanced and emotionally strong. As parents with highly demanding careers or other personal pursuits, you’re no stranger to time pressures, juggling multiple roles, or setting and reaching ambitious goals. You may often feel torn—on one hand, you value achievement, both in yourself and in your children, yet on the other, you’re cautious not to recreate the cycle of burnout, exhaustion, and losing sight of a greater sense of purpose.

You are no stranger to success under pressure — balancing a demanding career while trying to raise resilient kids. You push yourself toward excellence, but you don’t want to fall into the trap of burnout, for yourself or your family. You’re looking for that sweet spot—where you and your kids can reach their full potential while still staying balanced and emotionally strong. You want them to appreciate the value of hard work while also taking care of their well-being, and you know you can guide them in finding that balance. Let’s dive into some practical tips to help them succeed while keeping everyone’s emotional health in check.

Success Under Pressure

Our Success Under Pressure blog series is all about helping busy, hands-on parents balance their professional success with being actively involved in their children’s emotional health and development. If you’re a driven, engaged parent working to find that ideal balance between achievement and well-being, this series offers you practical, actionable and evidence-based strategies —while supporting both your parenting responsibilities and personal or professional aspirations.

While these strategies are not therapy, they can provide a helpful framework for building resilience in your children as part of a balanced and engaged family life.

Success Under Pressure: Routines as a Foundation for Raising Resilient Kids

In this post, we’ll dive into how routines can foster resilience and emotional strength for both you and your children, while fitting into your demanding professional schedule.

As a parent with a demanding and perhaps stressful work schedule, balancing work responsibilities with being a present and engaged parent can feel overwhelming. You want your children to grow into resilient, emotionally balanced individuals, but carving out time to foster these skills may seem daunting. The good news is that building emotional resilience in your children doesn’t require a complete life overhaul. By incorporating routines, you can provide a foundation that strengthens resilience, boosts mental health, and promotes a healthy family dynamic—all while fitting seamlessly into your time-pressed day.

Resilience Starts with You

As a parent, your resilience directly impacts your ability to support your children. By integrating self-care routines into your life, you’re improving your own well-being while modeling balance and emotional health for your family. Taking time for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s a crucial part of showing up fully for those who matter most.

Strengthening Your Resilience

While much of this series focuses on fostering resilience in your children, it’s equally important to take time for your own emotional well-being. As a working parent juggling multiple roles, the demands on your time and energy can feel relentless. Creating routines that prioritize self-care isn’t just about relaxation—it’s about building your own resilience so you can show up as your best self for both your family and your career.

1. Morning Mindfulness for Centered Energy

Start your day with a brief mindfulness routine to set a positive tone. This could be as simple as five minutes of meditation, deep breathing, or quiet reflection before the day begins. A consistent mindfulness practice helps reduce stress and increases your ability to handle the day’s demands with clarity and calm. By anchoring your mornings in mindfulness, you’ll cultivate emotional resilience and begin each day with a renewed sense of focus.

2. Movement as a Non-Negotiable

Incorporate physical activity into your daily routine. Whether it’s a brisk walk, a yoga session, or a workout, exercise is a proven way to boost both physical and mental resilience. Consistency is key here—by making movement a non-negotiable part of your day, even for just 15-30 minutes, you can improve your mood, reduce stress, and increase your ability to manage parenting and the pressures of work.

3. Scheduled Breaks for Mental Reset

During busy workdays, it’s easy to power through without taking a break, but intentional pauses can significantly boost your mental resilience. Build short breaks into your routine, whether it’s stepping outside for fresh air, grabbing a coffee, or simply stepping away from your screen. These mental resets can help you maintain focus, reduce burnout, and re-energize for both work and parenting responsibilities.

4. End-of-Day Reflection

At the end of each day, carve out time for reflection. This could be through journaling, listing three things you’re grateful for, or simply reviewing what went well during the day. By making reflection part of your routine, you’re reinforcing a growth mindset in yourself, helping you process challenges and acknowledge your achievements. This simple habit allows you to unwind mentally, preparing you to rest and reset for the next day.

5. Protect Your Downtime

Driven individuals and those in people-centered and interactive roles may often feel the need to fill every spare moment with productivity, but creating space for genuine downtime is essential for long-term resilience. Make it a routine to set aside time each week for activities that relax and rejuvenate you—whether that’s reading, engaging in a hobby, or spending quality time with loved ones. This is about finding balance and giving yourself permission to recharge without guilt.

Why Routine Matters for Resilience

Routines create predictability and a sense of security for children, which can help them manage stress and navigate challenges. For parents with demanding professional schedules, routines also serve as an anchor, allowing you to balance your commitments while supporting your children’s emotional growth.

Simple, Time-Efficient Strategies for Time-Pressed Parents

Incorporating resilience-building practices into your family routine doesn’t have to be an overwhelming time commitment. Here are some simple strategies that fit seamlessly into your day:

1. Morning Routines that Build Emotional Strength

Start the day with a simple check-in. Whether it’s during breakfast or the ride to school, take a few minutes to ask your child how they’re feeling and what they’re looking forward to. This routine helps your child develop emotional awareness and allows you to model healthy communication. Over time, this consistent habit can help your child build emotional regulation skills and reinforce that they are supported.

2. Modeling a Growth Mindset in Everyday Tasks

Encourage a growth mindset by framing challenges as learning opportunities. If your child expresses frustration over a difficult task, use phrases like, “What can we learn from this?” or “This is hard, but you’re getting stronger.” By embedding this mindset into daily conversations, you’re teaching them how to reframe unhelpful thoughts and approach obstacles with confidence.

3. Family Check-Ins and Routine Reflections

Create a weekly family check-in where everyone discusses their highs and lows of the week. This practice fosters emotional resilience by allowing your child to reflect on their experiences, process emotions, and develop problem-solving skills. It also provides a space for you to offer support and guidance in real-time. This ritual doesn’t have to be long—10 to 15 minutes is enough to have a meaningful impact.

Building a Family Culture of Balance and Well-Being

Your children are likely paying attention to how you manage stress and handle your responsibilities. As a professional navigating demanding work responsibility, you may inadvertently model a “work hard at all costs” mindset, which can lead to burnout for both you and your children. By intentionally building a family culture that prioritizes balance, well-being, and achievement, you’ll teach your children that success is not only about reaching goals but also about maintaining emotional and mental health along the way.

1. Prioritize Mental Health in Daily Routines

Incorporate small moments of mindfulness into your family’s daily routine. Whether it’s deep breathing exercises before bed or a brief meditation during a family meal, these practices will help your children develop tools for managing stress and emotional regulation.

2. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results

To create a growth-oriented family culture, celebrate effort as much as success. Rather than praising your child for high grades or accomplishments, intentionally emphasize the importance of persistence and trying hard, even when the results aren’t perfect. This reinforces the idea that effort, resilience, and learning are more valuable than the outcome itself.

3. Balance Achievement with Rest

Help your children understand the importance of balance by modeling it yourself. Set boundaries around work and personal time and show your children that taking breaks and resting is essential for maintaining both professional success and personal well-being. When they see you make space for self-care, they’ll learn that achievement and rest are not mutually exclusive but rather complementary.

Mastering the Art of Hands-On Parenting

Balancing demanding professional responsibilities and being an involved parent is challenging, but routines help build resilience and foster meaningful connections. These habits, even in small doses, send a powerful message to your children: they are important, supported, and capable of facing challenges with confidence. You don’t need to overhaul your world or sacrifice professional goals to raise emotionally strong, resilient kids. By incorporating intentional, evidence-based strategies into your routine to promote emotional strength and balance, you can create a family culture that thrives both in achievement and mental well-being.

Nurturing Resilience, One Step at a Time

Resilience is built one small, consistent step at a time, and with intentional routines, you can guide your children to develop the mental and emotional strength they need to succeed. For parents with demanding schedules, routines also serve as an anchor, allowing you to balance your commitments while supporting your children’s emotional growth.

As a parent, your resilience directly impacts your ability to support your children. By integrating self-care routines into your life, you’re not only improving your own well-being, but you’re also modeling the importance of balance and emotional health for your family.

Remember, taking time for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s a crucial part of being able to show up fully for those who matter most. And seeking support when you need it is a sign of great strength. While these strategies are helpful, they’re not a substitute for therapy. If you or your child need additional support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional.

Learn more about our approach at Dakhari Psychological Services, where we offer therapy alongside a diverse range of digital resources, including courses, e-books, workbooks, and valuable guides. Each resource is expertly crafted by mental health professionals to enhance lives and inspire lasting transformation. Whether you’re considering therapy or exploring personal growth in other ways, we are here to support you at every step.

I’m Ready to Grow and Thrive

J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD

Health Information Disclaimer: Attention Required

Affiliate Disclosure Disclaimer:

Please note this post may contain affiliate links. This means I may receive a commission if clicked at no extra cost to you. Though the opinions remain my own.