You might know what you want to do and still feel too anxious, embarrassed, or upset to begin. Maybe you’re waiting to feel more confident, less nervous, or completely ready before taking the next step. But what if you didn’t have to wait for those feelings to change?
That’s where an idea called ‘willingness‘ comes in. Willingness is the practice of noticing your thoughts, feelings, memories, and body sensations without automatically trying to change, avoid, or control them. Instead, you learn to make room for discomfort when doing so helps you move toward something that matters to you. The idea? You don’t always have to change how you feel before deciding what to do next. The exercises below can help you practice that skill.
There’s a very important distinction though. Willingness doesn’t mean putting up with harmful situations, ignoring your needs, or forcing yourself to tolerate something that isn’t okay. Sometimes the most helpful next step is to speak up, set a boundary, ask for support, or change the situation.
Read on to learn about some helpful exercises. They are educational and aren’t a substitute for therapy or professional advice. If distress is ongoing or interfering with daily life, additional support may be helpful.
What willingness means when feelings feel too big
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), pronounced “act,” focuses on psychological flexibility: responding with awareness and choice when thoughts and feelings show up.
Making room without forcing yourself
Willingness means allowing an internal experience to be present while choosing your response. You can feel embarrassed and ask for help, or feel nervous and attend practice. You don’t have to approve of the feeling, enjoy it, or make it stronger. The question is, “Can I give this feeling some room while doing something that matters to me?” Choosing how to respond is psychological flexibility in action. It’s important to remember that there’s a difference between making room for uncomfortable feelings and tolerating harmful circumstances. Bullying, abuse, discrimination, and unsafe situations aren’t things you ever need to learn to accept. Sometimes the most helpful response is to set a boundary, ask for support, protect yourself, or work toward changing the situation. If finding the words is the hard part, our post, Assertive Communication Script for Teens, offers a practical starting point for speaking up about what you need. The goal isn’t to tolerate more. It’s to have more choices about how you respond.
Understanding what avoidance costs you
Avoidance often brings immediate relief, which makes it tempting to repeat. Over time, this can leave us feeling as though we have fewer choices, though the pattern can change. Ask yourself, “What does avoiding this help me escape today? What does it keep me from over time?” Answer honestly and kindly, with self compassion.
How the six ACT processes work together
A review of ACT for young people highlights psychological flexibility as a key part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). So, what does that actually mean? Psychological flexibility is the ability to notice what’s happening inside you and around you, and choose how to respond even when uncomfortable thoughts or feelings show up. The exercises below build on several ACT concepts. You don’t need to memorize the terms or even remember their names to benefit from practicing the skills. But understanding a little about each one can help you see what you’re practicing and why it might be useful.
Acceptance, Defusion, and Present Moment Awareness
These three ACT skills can help you respond differently to uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, rather than getting caught up in trying to make them disappear.
- Acceptance: Making room for uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or body sensations when doing so helps you move toward something important. You don’t have to like what you’re feeling or want it to stick around.
- Cognitive defusion: Learning to recognize thoughts as thoughts, not necessarily facts, predictions, or instructions you have to follow. Just because your brain tells you something doesn’t mean you have to act on it.
- Present moment awareness: Bringing your attention back to what’s happening right now, rather than getting pulled into worries about the future or replaying something from the past.
What might this look like? Imagine you’re about to join a group conversation. Your stomach feels tight, and your brain says, “I’m going to embarrass myself.” You can notice the nervous feeling without fighting it (acceptance), recognize that your brain is making a prediction rather than stating a fact (defusion), and bring your attention back to what people are actually saying (present moment awareness).
The anxiety might still be there, but it doesn’t have to make the decision for you.
Perspective, Values, and Committed Action
These next three ACT skills help you remember that you’re more than your thoughts and feelings, figure out what matters to you, and take steps in that direction.
- Self as context: Recognizing that your thoughts, feelings, and experiences are parts of what you notice, not the entirety of who you are. There’s a difference between “I’m a failure” and “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.”
- Values clarification: Figuring out what matters to you and the kind of person you want to be. Values might include being a good friend, showing curiosity, treating others fairly, or being willing to learn. Unlike goals you can check off a list, values are directions you can keep moving toward.
- Committed action: Taking steps that line up with your values, even when uncomfortable thoughts or feelings show up. These steps don’t have to be big to count.
What might this look like? You want to make new friends, but your brain keeps telling you, “I’m awkward. Nobody wants to talk to me.” Instead of treating that thought as a definition of who you are (self as context), you recognize that connection and friendship matter to you (values). You decide to start by saying hello to someone in class (committed action).
You don’t have to become a completely confident person first. You can practice taking small steps toward the kind of life you want while you’re still figuring things out.
ACT exercises for teens: making room in your body
Start with a manageable everyday feeling rather than your most distressing memory. These experiential exercises and mindfulness practices work best as invitations, with room to shorten or stop.
Notice, name, and make space
Choose a brief practice, perhaps 20 or 30 seconds. Keep your eyes open and notice where the feeling shows up, without searching for every sensation. Describe what you notice in ordinary language: “There’s tightness in my chest,” or “My face feels warm.” If naming an emotion helps, add, “I’m noticing embarrassment.” Let your breathing stay natural. You can imagine giving the sensation a little room instead of bracing against it. When the practice ends, notice your surroundings and choose what to do next.
Keep one foot in the present
If focusing inward feels uncomfortable, begin outside your body. Notice the chair supporting you, the color of a nearby object, or sounds in the room. Then briefly acknowledge the feeling: “Anxiety is here, and I’m sitting in this room.” Move your attention between your surroundings and the sensation, without forcing sustained attention. If breath-focused practice increases panic or discomfort, skip it.
When thoughts keep pulling you toward avoidance
You don’t need to debate every anxious prediction. Cognitive defusion helps you hear a thought without automatically letting it dictate what you do next. Add “I’m having the thought that…” Choose one recurring thought and say it in your usual words. Then add, “I’m having the thought that…” before it. “I’m having the thought that everyone will judge me” helps you notice your mind’s prediction. This cognitive defusion practice supports present moment awareness, so you can notice what’s happening now. You haven’t proved the thought wrong, but you have identified it as a thought. Ask, “If this negative thought stays around, what’s one useful action I can still choose?” You might decide to ask a question, begin an assignment, or approach someone supportive.
Try passengers on the bus
This is a very well-known ACT metaphor. Imagine you’re driving a bus toward something you care about. Worried thoughts and uncomfortable feelings are passengers, and some have loud opinions about where you should go. Name one passenger’s message: “Turn around. You’ll mess up.” Then name your direction: “I want to participate.” You can acknowledge the passenger while keeping your attention on the route. Ask yourself what the next safe, manageable driving decision would be. A thought can remain loud while you choose a different action. You don’t have to make it quiet first.
Pair willingness with one values-based step
Willingness becomes more useful when you connect it to something you care about. Ask, “What kind of person do I want to be in this situation?” Choose a quality such as being supportive, curious, or persistent. A grade is an outcome; showing up with effort is an action you can choose and practice. This is also where our post on a concept called Both/And Thinking can help. You can feel nervous and try something new. You can be disappointed and recognize your effort. Both experiences can be true at the same time. Complete this sentence: “Because I care about _____, I’m willing to make room for _____ while I _____.” Keep the action concrete and manageable. This is committed action, a values based action guided by what matters. You might enter practice and speak with your coach before deciding on the next step. Afterward, ask, “Did my action fit what matters to me? Was the step manageable?”
How you can support your teen while being mindful not to add pressure
If you’re a parent, begin with permission: “Would you like help making room for this feeling, or would you rather I listen?” Keep practice collaborative. Adapt your language, examples, and expectations to your teen’s interests, maturity, and stage of adolescent development. Try, “I can see this feels hard. What matters to you here, and what would make the next step manageable?” Avoid turning willingness into an argument about compliance. Praise the choice you observed: “You asked for help even though you felt embarrassed.” A teen may need changes to the situation alongside emotional skills. At home, you can model willingness. Remember, for concerns about teen mental health, consult a qualified provider about therapeutic interventions.
Common questions about ACT and teen emotions
How is ACT different from CBT?
ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is part of the broader behavioral and cognitive therapy family. Traditional CBT often examines whether negative thoughts are accurate or useful; ACT emphasizes changing your relationship with them. Both approaches can involve behavioral practice, and clinicians may combine methods.
Can these exercises help with anxiety or depression?
ACT targets how you respond to difficult internal experiences and whether you can act on your values. A study of ACT and teen depression reports reduced depressive symptoms and a possible role for psychological flexibility. That doesn’t establish that a standalone exercise will treat anxiety or depression. Brief exercises aren’t a substitute for individualized care. Remember to seek professional support and that your needs, symptoms, safety, and preferences should guide treatment decisions with a qualified clinician.
A Little More Room, A Little More Freedom
You won’t always feel confident, calm, or ready. And that’s okay. The goal isn’t to become someone who never feels anxious, embarrassed, disappointed, or unsure. It’s to discover that those feelings don’t always have to decide what happens next. Every time you make room for a difficult feeling, ask for support when you need it, or take a small step toward something that matters, you’re practicing psychological flexibility. You don’t have to get it right every time. You don’t have to take the biggest step. And you certainly don’t have to do it all at once.
The more you practice making room for your feelings, the more room you create for everything else you want your life to hold.
J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD, is a clinical and pediatric psychologist who loves languages, is an avid traveler, and finds boundless excitement in the pursuit of knowledge and helping others.
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