You don’t always have to pick one side or the other. Both/and thinking is about holding space for two truths at the same time. It moves beyond the strict limits of either/or thinking, where you feel pulled to make choices between all-or-nothing options.
Instead of feeling stuck in black-and-white thinking, you can recognize that life can be complex and messy—and that’s okay. Inspired by Dialectical Behavior Therapy, this approach invites you to grow by seeing more parts of your experience, not less.
Read on to gain insight into how both/and thinking can help you respond to challenges with more flexibility and confidence. This is meant to spark curiosity and increase perspectives, not to replace therapy. If anything, here feels overwhelming or brings up tough emotions, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support. Let’s see what happens when curiosity wins over judgment, and you give yourself permission to hold more than one truth at a time.
Understanding ‘Both/And’ Thinking: A DBT Perspective
Life rarely fits into neat little boxes. When you try to force emotion or choice into “good” or “bad,” it can leave you feeling stuck or frustrated. Both/and thinking opens the door to another way. It gives you room to see different sides without needing to pick just one. This approach, inspired by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can help you work with the full picture—even when that picture feels messy.
What Is ‘Both/And’ Thinking?
Both/and thinking is the practice of holding more than one truth at the same time. Imagine you’re looking at the sky during a storm. You might notice dark clouds and feel nervous, but you also see a patch of blue sky and feel hopeful. Both feelings are real, and both matter.
Here’s a real-world comparison:
Think about a relationship with a friend or partner. There might be moments when you feel grateful for their support, and in the same moment, you’re annoyed by something they did. You don’t have to pick one feeling over the other; it’s possible— and healthy— to experience both.
- You can be sad and hopeful.
- You can want change and accept the present.
- You can be angry and still care about someone.
This mindset challenges the habit of snapping to one extreme or the other. It gives you space to be honest with yourself.
Why ‘Either/Or’ Limits Us
Either/or thinking, or “black-and-white” thinking, pushes you to see things in extremes. While it can feel simpler, this habit tends to cause more pain.
Here’s how either/or thinking shows up in daily life:
- Work: Feeling like you’re doing great when you meet every deadline—but the moment you make a mistake, you convince yourself you’re terrible at your job and everyone’s noticing.
- Relationships: Believing your partner is amazing when things are going well, but thinking they’re completely selfish or uncaring after a disagreement.
- Self-image: Telling yourself you’re strong when you’re holding it all together—but the moment you feel overwhelmed or emotional, assuming you’re weak and incapable.
The downsides of black-and-white thinking include:
- Ignoring all the shades of gray
- Feeling pressured to make the “right” choice, fast
- Judging yourself harshly for mistakes
- Missing out on the good in tough times
When you see things in all-or-nothing terms, you’re more likely to feel anxious, guilty, or ashamed. These feelings can pile up and make everyday life harder than it needs to be.
How DBT Encourages Embracing Complexity
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy built on the idea that two things can be true at once. Dr. Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT, saw value in blending acceptance and change.
DBT teaches you to:
- See your struggles and your strengths together
- Notice different perspectives without judging them
- Find middle ground between “all or nothing” thinking
DBT’s focus on dialectics—holding two truths at once—can help you become more flexible in how you respond to challenges. Instead of getting stuck in old patterns, you learn new ways to handle tough moments.
If some of these ideas feel new or challenging, that’s okay. It’s important to know that learning both/and thinking takes practice, and sometimes it helps to have support from a mental health professional if things get overwhelming.
Real-Life Applications: How ‘Both/And’ Thinking Can Transform Your Daily Experience
The idea of holding two truths at once isn’t a mental trick—it can change the way you move through daily life. Both/and thinking takes what you already feel and makes room for the whole story. When you start looking for more than one answer or emotion, things get easier to handle. Here are some ideas of what it looks like to put this skill into action, whether you’re dealing with people you care about, decisions or changes to be made, or even your view of yourself.
Navigating Personal Relationships: Holding Conflicting Feelings Without Self-Invalidation
Relationships often stir up mixed feelings. You might care deeply about someone but feel disappointed by something they did. Both/and thinking lets you keep both sides without feeling guilty or dishonest.
Picture sitting with a friend who forgets your birthday. You feel grateful for all the times they’ve had your back, and you’re hurt by their oversight. Instead of choosing one feeling, you accept both:
- “I care about my friend, and I wish they had remembered.”
- “I’m annoyed, and I still value this relationship.”
This approach lets you:
- Stop second-guessing your emotions. You’re not too sensitive or too cold for feeling both.
- Talk more honestly about your needs, leading to fewer bottled-up frustrations.
- Give space for repair, since holding two truths helps you work through misunderstandings.
Relationships are messy. When you let in all your feelings, you give yourself (and others) permission to be human.
Handling Change and Uncertainty: Managing Stress by Acknowledging Multiple Truths
Change rarely feels tidy. Big transitions—new jobs, moving, losing a friend—often leave you pulled between excitement and fear. Both/and thinking helps you see the full picture so you can act with confidence.
Let’s say you’re starting a new job. You might feel nervous about what’s next while also feeling proud of getting hired. If you try to push away your nerves, they’ll only get louder. Instead, name both:
- “I’m scared and I’m ready.”
- “It feels awkward and it might get better with time.”
By doing this, you allow yourself to:
- Reduce stress by naming what’s real. Hiding from uncomfortable truths doesn’t make them go away.
- Make decisions with more information. Seeing several sides helps you choose with your whole self, not just fear or hope alone.
- Stay flexible when things change again, because you’re already used to juggling more than one feeling.
Strong emotions are normal during big life events. If things get tough, reach out for support—you don’t have to handle it all yourself.
Boosting Self-Compassion and Growth: Letting Mixed Feelings About Yourself Foster Change
Self-growth isn’t about rejecting where you are or overlooking your strengths. It’s about holding space for both pride and the desire to grow. Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean something’s wrong—it means you care. And that’s a powerful place to start.
For example, you may think, “I try hard and make mistakes sometimes.” Or, “I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I know I have more to learn.” These statements might feel odd at first, but they open up space for:
- Gentle self-reflection: Not everything needs to be fixed right away, and that’s okay.
- Healthy motivation: Growth comes from wanting to improve, not from punishing yourself for missteps.
- More kindness to yourself: You can own your strengths and your areas for growth at the same time.
If being honest with yourself feels hard or brings up big emotions, consider checking in with someone you trust or a mental health professional. Sometimes, opening up to more parts of yourself is easier with an extra hand.
Practicing both/and thinking gives you permission to live your whole life, not just the parts that feel easy or certain. It may take time, but welcoming your range of feelings can be quite valuable in moving forward.
Practical Tips to Start Embracing ‘Both/And’ in Your Life
Ready to try both/and thinking in the real world? It isn’t about flipping a mental switch. It’s about spotting old patterns and trying simple tools when things get tough. These practical tips can help you notice when you slip into either/or thinking and give you small steps to get back to a more balanced place. It’s normal to need reminders and to reach out for extra support along the way.
Noticing Either/Or Patterns
The first step is catching yourself when your mind goes to all-or-nothing. Our brains like clear answers, but life is rarely that tidy. If you notice you feel stuck, irritated, or helpless, you might be thinking in absolutes.
To bring more awareness, try asking yourself:
- Am I seeing this as all good or all bad?
- Is there another side I’m missing?
- When have I felt two things at once before?
- What would I say to a friend in this spot?
Journaling can help slow things down. Write out what’s going through your mind. Use these prompts:
- “Right now, I’m thinking ____. Is there more to the story?”
- “Can I find an example from my past when both things were true?”
- “What’s one small way I can hold more than one feeling here?”
Reflecting like this can highlight old habits and invite new choices. Sometimes, just noticing the pattern is a win.
Reframing: Turning ‘But’ Into ‘And’
Language shapes your thoughts, often more than you realize. A simple shift from “but” to “and” can open up space for more than one truth.
Instead of telling yourself, “I’m doing my best, but I still feel anxious,” try, “I’m doing my best, and I still feel anxious.” That tiny change stops you from canceling out part of your experience.
A few examples for your self-talk or conversations:
- “I love my job, and I get worn out by it.”
- “I had fun today, and I’m nervous about tomorrow.”
- “I care about them, and I’m upset.”
Practicing this out loud or on paper can make it feel more natural. The word “and” doesn’t erase your feelings; it lets them all belong. It’s a tool you can use at home, at work, or with friends to show that real life is messy but manageable.
You’re already navigating a lot—give yourself permission to hold both strength and struggle without sidelining your wellness. Drop your email below to subscribe and get new blog posts with practical, evidence-backed wellness tips delivered straight to your inbox. No inbox overload, unsubscribe anytime. (For info only; not a substitute for professional advice.)
Mindfulness as Support
Sometimes holding two truths feels like juggling eggs—one wrong move and it all comes crashing down. When emotions are big, grounding yourself can help. Mindfulness gives you a way to notice what you feel without getting swept away.
Here are some quick practices to try:
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.
- Box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and pause for 4.
- Check in with your body: Notice where you feel tension or comfort. Name the feeling, then let it be there for a moment.
These small moments help you get out of your head and back into the present. You may find it easier to hold complex feelings when you feel steady.
If you ever notice that practicing both/and thinking leads to emotions that feel too big to handle, reaching out to a mental health professional is a sign of strength. You don’t have to manage everything by yourself—extra support is always an option.
Doing Your Best AND You Can Do Better
Both/and thinking gives you a way to be honest with yourself and gentle at the same time. It helps you hold more than one feeling, see different points of view, and find steadiness when life gets tricky. By allowing space for all parts of your experience, you make room for growth without forcing yourself into impossible choices.
Change in how you see things starts with small steps. You’ve already started by being open to something new. If any of this feels heavy, it’s okay to ask for support. This guide supports your journey, but it’s not a substitute for professional help.
Every moment you hold both/and is a win.
Ready to transform your life and boost your well-being? Therapy isn’t just for major issues; it’s a powerful tool for personal growth and everyday happiness. Check out our blog post on Therapy Myths to uncover the truths behind common misconceptions. Discover how talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate life’s challenges, improve your mental health, and enhance your overall quality of life. Why wait? Don’t wait for a major challenge – start your journey to a better you today!
J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: J. Oni Dakhari, PsyD, is a clinical and pediatric psychologist who loves languages, is an avid traveler, and finds boundless excitement in the pursuit of knowledge and helping others. (NJ LIC# 4481; DE LIC# 736)
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